Let’s talk about name. They’re fairly common these days, I’d say, and you have a wide variety.
- Birth names
- Nicknames (from yourself and from others)
- Names you love
- Names you can’t stand
What goes into choosing a name? Apparently, lots and lots of effort for some and absolute ease for others.
I know how folks typically name their kids. They get told they’re having a girl/boy and then pick out a selection of girl/boy names. Maybe they made lists of both and then slashed off the “wrong” names once they found out what their baby’s sex assigned at birth was. Either way, usually there’s some list that gets whittled down after lots of debate between the parents, family, friends, social media, …etc.
All about me!
Okay, now let’s get back to me. This is my blog, after all.
Just kidding. Kind of.
I am AFAB, which means assigned female at birth. When I was born, the medical folks were like: “Wow, this is a girl.” So, everyone just went with that and I was raised as a girl.
Now, where did I get my name? I’ve heard different stories over the years, but this is the best I can piece together: my dad chose my first name out of thin air and my mom chose my middle and last names in honour of herself and our family.
I totally understood why they gave me the name that’s on my birth certificate. In fact, I think it’s kind of pretty. Honestly, that’s the problem: it’s very pretty, flowery, and feminine.
My birth name vs my chosen name
My birth name is a Southern woman who sits daintily in a rocking chair on her front porch with a glass of sweet tea waiting for her husband to come home from work. Dinner is done and keeping warm on the stove. There’s a white picket fence around the house, keeping a wild-mannered dog and 2.5 rambunctious kids in. Her appearance is soft and clean: think a more modernized Laura Ingles. People come to her to bake and cook, and maybe watch after their brood of young’ns.
Maybe that’s someone’s dream. I’m not bashing it here. It’s just not my dream.
Eli Lumens is a traveled individual that sits haphazardly on just about any surface, writing on their laptop or in a journal as they wait for their partner to come home from work. Dinner might be done, or it might be boiling over, depending on how engrossed they are in their own world. There’s still sweet tea to be had because they’re still Southern with good taste. There’s still a picket fence, but it’s one that Eli and their partner built together. It struggles to corral their many dogs and any children they may or may not choose to have. Eli’s appearance changes depending on their gender, their comfort, their activities, their feelings, the position of the moon… whatever. People come to Eli for a variety of tasks, earning them the descriptor of Renaissance Man. (That does include baking still because they love to bake!)
That Dichotomy: Explained
I find my birth name to be a more traditional, Southern name. I’ve always been a bit uncomfortable with it because it comes across to be as being so incredibly feminine and antiquated. It makes me feel like I should be a Southern belle, groomed to be the perfect subservient wife to my husband.
Dear God, I hate that image.
That’s just not who I am, and I’ve always wanted to break out of that premade mold so badly.
Eli is the alter ego that grew up in my mind: the long-nameless person I wanted to be with all of my being, but didn’t know how to manifest. It fit with my life so seamlessly on the inside, but not in the eyes of other people.
How I freed myself
Coming out helped me release Eli, in a way. I slowly but surely took steps towards being the authentic me, and that started with coming out of the closet. When I came out as pansexual and demisexual, it was like letting out some of the water in a reservoir. There was so much less pressure on my mind, the dam, to hold myself back and conform to people’s preconceived ideas of who I should be.
Body modification helped me, too. I have 5 tattoos (so far) and my only piercings are in my ears (for now). Every time I put more art onto my skin, I feel like a little more of me shines through. It’s like my tattoos are holes in my armor, letting the real me break through to the surface. The piercings help me recognize myself in the mirror, as strange as that sounds. I love being able to change them out, although I rarely ever do, and give just a small touch to my appearance.
When I came out as genderfluid this year, it was like almost my entire self came through. I decided to look in the mirror and feel proud. Maybe I’m not always happy with who is looking back at me, but I’m proud to say that I recognize that person. That person no longer lives according to other people’s standards of beauty or gender. That person is Eli.
How did I choose the name Eli?
This is actually a very short story.
I used baby name websites to find androgynous, sometimes bordering on masculine names. I came up with 3 in the end.
- Alex
- Eli
- Grey
Coming up with that list was insanely hard, but whittling it down was actually incredibly easy.
I was dating someone named Alex, and I didn’t want to be Alex and Alex. Enough said.
I knew 2 people named Grey, one personally and one professionally.
I didn’t know anyone named Eli, which ended up being the deciding factor.
It’s not like I felt like I would be stealing someone’s name if I chose one that someone I knew had. I just felt better about having a name unique to my circle.
I did get some opinions on it while making the decision. Mostly, though, it was just Alex and Mars confirming that I’d already made the decision but that I was drawing out the process for no reason. I think the whole thing look me like a week or so to figure out.
Will I change it legally?
This is a question that I’ve mulled over a lot. Changing your name legally is a very complicated process.
I don’t know about you, but I had never sat down and thought about everything that I would have to change. It’s not just your driver’s license and passport. From my bank accounts, to my health insurance policy, to my voter registration, to my business cards, …all the way down to my American Eagle loyalty card, there are so many things to change.
I don’t think I’ll change it just yet. Honestly, I think I’ll wait until my passport is up for renewal. I have no desire to pay $145 sooner than I have to!
That being said, I believe that I will change it. I no longer go by my birth name, and I have no desire to return to it. At some point, I will let the government know that. For now, I will just wait because there’s no real rush for me.
Am I happy as Eli?
Yes, yes I am. In fact, I didn’t know how different I would feel just changing my name, but it’s such a relief. I’m like about to cry with happy tears just at the thought of how much better I feel now that I’m not hiding this part of myself anymore.
I’m being my authentic self, and I’m so in love with who that is.