My name is Eli, and I am genderfluid. I use they/them pronouns and the Mx. honorific.
Being genderfluid means that my gender identity shifts on a spectrum, be it day-by-day or even moment-by-moment. Personally, I would say that I am agender about 60% of the time, bigender 30%, and female 10%. I present androgynously and masculinely most often. I’m not completely uncomfortable with she/her pronouns, but I am incredibly more comfortable with they/them pronouns.
Story time!
Let me tell you something about being genderfluid: it’s really, really hard. It’s who I am, but sometimes I wish I could just be “normal.”
Side note: Is “normal” even a real thing? I don’t want to say that I’m abnormal, but I know that I’m not what most people would say is congruent with their definition of “normal.”
Back to the story!
I’ll pose this question to you: how long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
Maybe it takes you a while to pick out your clothes, do your hair or make-up, or whatever else you do. You probably have a pretty usual wardrobe: a bunch of clothes that look similar and go together.
It takes me so long to get ready. I sometimes plan out outfits in advance, but not like one of those put-together people on Pinterest. I’ll put together 5 or 6 outfits in my mind that I could throw on depending on how I feel in the moment. And my wardrobe looks like a whole team of people use it.
I can’t just prepare for the outfit I’ll need as soon as I put it on. My gender can change throughout the day, so I need to make sure I’ll be able to get through everything with as little dysphoria as possible.
I know what people think when they see me. I’m not blind to how I appear.
My daily attire consists mainly of masculine and androgynous outfits. I rarely ever feel feminine so I don’t really need clothing for that. I have a variety to cater to the rest of it.
My bag used to have a change of clothes in it just in case my gender fluctuated and I needed to change with it. At some point, I just started erring on the side of androgyny and hoping for the best.
How does dysphoria feel?
For me, I often circle back to something Mars said to me once. She compared something to feeling like wearing an itchy sweater. You’re uncomfortable and all you want to do is take it off, but even if you do you still have the residual itch.
Sometimes, I get this feeling in my forearms. I call it my “running feeling.” It’s like all of my insides are running back and forth, faster and faster. It hurts and it’s really uncomfortable. That’s sort of how dysphoria feels to me, too.
It’s something that I can’t get away from. I could be feeling totally fine all day and then I catch a glimpse of myself at an unfortunate angle. It’s like my whole world comes crashing down.
Even once the bout of dysphoria passes, I have the residual itch. It’s like what I imagine poison ivy feels like (I’m not allergic to it, so I’ve never experienced it). Just a whole body itch that I can’t get rid of.
Something feels bad and wrong with me.
Will it ever go away?
I don’t know. That’s really the best answer I can give.
I’ve experienced dysphoria for so many years, so I don’t know how I would even react to not having it.
Of course, I would love to not have it anymore! That would be incredible. Just to be happy with myself and feel at home in my own skin 24/7/365? Sign me up!
Maybe someday I will be at peace within myself. As someone whose gender changes at the drop of a hat, I can’t say that I’m super hopeful, but I definitely feel the glimmer inside of me!
Feel free to contact me with any questions or resources that you’ve found helpful!
I completely understand you. I was born female but I am gender neutral. I feel mostly masculine but I am usually both. Sometimes I feel female but it’s rare too. I am glad I read your blog. Finally have someone to relate to. I am lucky though, I just throw something on. Most of my clothes are neutral but some of them are girly. I don’t mind it but sometimes I shift midday. I’ll be walking around at work with make up on and want to take it off. Or I wanna put makeup on but it’s in the car and I can’t get to it! Most of the time I enjoy I make up to look more mysterious. Warrior make up I call it. Like, right now I don’t want breasts BUT I know if I ever got top surgery I will not be happy. So I try to ignore them when I feel this way. At least there average size!
I wanna play an active male sport but being born female it’s hard to see that happening. They say that your form causes what gender sport you will be in. But female Lacrosse is so……girly. Like, they don’t even hit each other! I wanna hit them lol. Besides….I’d probably flirt with team members since I am pansexual. I like female forms more than masculine ones….don’t ask I have no idea. Anyway! It was great meeting you, Mx!
Your fellow noodle,
Tabbie.